Diary Day 2018
7:30am.
I wake up and make coffee. My husband J. has already left for the hospital where he works as a Vascular Technician. Sometimes I get up with him and we talk over coffee while he throws a toy for our dog L. who is just over a year old. I bought her last year because I thought it would be nice for our Grandsons Lu. and A. to have a pet while they are staying with us which is quite often since K.’s death. L. is a white golden retriever. She’s very pretty. J. and I share the responsibilities for her fairly equally. Although J. is the head of the pack and she responds best to him, he says that she is a nuisance. We are trying hard to train her but it’s obvious that she needs professional training and so do we. I hope that I keep the commitment to do just that after we get through Christmas, Solstice, New Years Day and my trip to India.
9am. Five year old Lu. slept in today. He is my son K.’s youngest child. I have always taken care of him though when K. was very sick with drugs and alcohol sometimes he would withhold my visitations until I gave them money. I think this is a common strategy for addicts needing a fix. I worried about Lu.’s welfare during those times knowing that he was not on a regular schedule and well nourished. He really is fine however.
Today we are going to make paper garlands for decorating the Christmas tree which we have not gotten yet. I usually go to the Kiwanis sale site over at Central High Scool to pick out a tree on the weekend before Christmas.
We snuggle on the chair for a while and then I make “eggs in a hole”. It’s a piece of bread with a hole in the center where an egg is fried. Both of my grandsons love this and I don’t remember where I learned to make them.
11:00 am I’m pretty distracted with cleaning up and doing laundry and I’m not paying enough attention to Lu. so finally he asks to watch TV.
Most of my shopping is finished and wrapped. I always try to accomplish this early in the month so that I will be able to hang out and go to shows. I’m a little hyper motivated now because I will be leaving for India on January 3rd. This is a trip that I have always wanted to make and not one that my husband has any desire to make. I will be receiving CEU’s to satisfy requirements by the American Massage Therapy Association. I’ll be studying Polarity Therapy with a Yogic and Psycho Analytical approach to healing from trauma. It is my own trauma that I am working on. I am left with only harsh memories from a lifetime of care taking the people in my family who have suffered and died from alcoholism. I must get beyond my grief and provide stability for my grandchildren and carve out time to enjoy life with J. who is my wonderful husband of only two years. My yoga practice and motivation for exercise has diminished so much. I am hopeful that I will have some kind of breakthrough in my willingness to be healthy and strong.
12:00pm.
I make a batch of sugar cookies with Lu.’s help rolling them out. He decorated about ten of them and we ate several. I put a couple of dozen in the freezer for Christmas Eve.
2pm We have a late lunch of leftover vegetable soup and grilled cheese.
3pm. I have three bodywork sessions this afternoon. Lu. will play in his tablet while I work and I’ll give him some apples and peanut butter to snack on.
7pm. We have a jam session tonight. Lu. puts headphones on and watches a movie or he drums a little joining us with his favorite songs. He knows all of the words to many of the tunes that we practice. I wish that my memory was so intact.
All of the guys arrive enthusiastic about our plans for a Solstice party on Friday.
We have a lot of fun. J. is getting over a cold so, I sing a little more.
For the Solstice everyone brings food and many musicians and poets show up with offerings of light and harmony for the return of the sun. We will start with a candle circle out on the patio and then everyone will bring food and wine to share.
10:00pm. Lu. and I have our bedtime ritual of teeth brushing, snuggles and a bedtime story and promise to one another again to be happy and strong even though missing Daddy is heavy on our hearts.
Love You Much is the phrase that K. always used with me. He never said Good-Bye.