10/22/21 Diary Day
I’ve been adjusting to a new schedule since my wife started a new job this week. Her alarm goes off at 6, I think. It’s a light alarm which is pretty nice, actually. Like it does a sunrise sort of thing. After she’s out of the shower, I roll over and tell Alexa to stop playing sleep sounds so I can listen to the beep of the coffee. But then the hair dryer is going, so I just go start getting breakfast.
I’m thrown off a little because my wife is doing lunch with her job so she lets me know that she might be done early. I was planning to do morning in person and afternoon at home, but then I think I’ll pack a lunch and stay on campus. But then I remember I told her I’d take a package to the post office. So, I’m trying to navigate the whole day again in my head. Changes of schedule throw me off more than they should. I take a little time to play with the kitten before we go. She’s a pandemic cat and not used to us being gone all day. I end up grabbing a lunch just in case I do want to eat on campus. There’s still a low vaccination rate among staff, and I’m not about to go get food on campus where everyone is unmasked and eating.
After getting to my office, I google when the Post Office closes, and see that one near us is open until 6 pm so that makes me feel better about having time to do everything today. Now what was I going to do when I got in today? A colleague arrives and we chat for a minute. She’s been doing some fun camping out at Summit Lake for Halloween.
I have a voicemail in my email. I get a voicemail about once every four months, and I’m wondering if I should try to check it on the actual phone. But I have no idea how, so I opt for playing it through iTunes on my computer. What a weird world we live in, in-between technologies.
I’ve been in the office for about half an hour now, and I’m struggling to figure out what’s happening. I’ll be honest, it’s not the morning, or not only the morning. I’m struggling with being in person. I’m not even that worried about COVID—perhaps still more than most—but better. But I was more focused at home. I know most people had more interruptions at home, but I had more focus. I was thinking this week, and am thinking now, about transitions. Most people hated jumping from one Zoom call to the next. But for me, it eliminated my anxiety time to wonder if what I said in that last call was okay or what people thought of me, or all that dumb stuff that runs in my brain. I didn’t have to worry about how awkward I feel physically–how fidgety I get, how I can’t seem to sit like a normal adult. So, I need to figure out a way to work on that… some way to transition more between things without that running commentary. Like now, I’m not unhappy I got to see a colleague and say hello, but my brain is considering if I said the “right” things. The door opened briefly while we were chatting and closed again. Did someone hear us and decide our conversation was such they needed not to enter? Intellectually, I’m sure they were looking for the admin assistant who is out today, or were in the wrong place. Why do I even wonder about it? But this is what in person is like for me. It’s so tiring. This is why I functioned better at home. There were no unplanned interactions. 8:30 is supposed to be my quiet alone writing time, but I’m here to do in person things that have to be done at 9 am because that’s when they happen in person, and I want to crawl back into bed. This was just how I thought life and work was before COVID, and now I know I function better in that remote environment and it feels like such a loss. Like I had one really functional year, one everyone assumes was awful… Everywhere this makes me feel different, othered, and I didn’t even expect this rant today, but here it is. Like why do I only get one year in the environment that is most productive for me when all the people who love in person get that ALL THE TIME. And what could I do if I worked remotely when there wasn’t a pandemic on top of it to deal with? So, that’s what I’m thinking and feeling. This has been simmering under the surface and rises to the top when I dare to think about it. And now I’m worked up about it, which in the grand scheme of the worlds’ injustice just feels whiny. But feelings don’t go away if you shame them.
Still… Right now, I should stop and work. So, deep breaths. Cause here we are. And it’s nearly 9, and I’ve done what—checked email/voicemail. I feel so dysfunctional.
At 9, the day picks up. I rush off to my 9 am classroom observation. The observation goes well and I enjoy a powerful clip about race the teacher shows. At 10, I have a workshop by our guest speaker. I see a text from the person who was supposed to bring the speaker to the room that is 20 minutes old about trying to find her. I feel like I might have dropped the ball of exactly when and where they were to meet up, and speaker isn’t there, so I’m worried and text back if he found her. He did, and she arrives right on time. But I’ve forgotten to plan notes to introduce her, which I was supposed to do this morning when I was in my self-pity jag. (Yes, I should probably be kinder to myself about that, but it seems that way now.) Thankfully the person who introduced the same speaker at an event yesterday is still there and has his notes, so I ask him to do it. Whew… I feel like I’ve just been dropping a lot of threads lately.
The workshop is great. Attendance isn’t bad. I’m thinking a lot about the looming conclusion to my book and I think between today and yesterday and reading the book by the speaker I have some interesting new ideas on where to take it. I’m also thinking about a follow up workshop for the classroom applications that are being discussed. I stay long to chat with people and then go to my office for lunch.
I heat up some homemade tomato soup and start eating it with the homemade bread I brought. My friend texts me, and after a few texts I let her know I’m here and she pops by my office. (We sit with our doors closed these days to take off masks when we’re alone.) We talk about the stress of losing good workers to low pay and how hard it is to change anything.
After lunch, I go to another observation. This one is great, too. There’s a drawing peeking out from the screen that’s on the whiteboard that says it’s a “No Bones Day.” This little bit of pop culture has spread rapidly. A guy with an elderly pug is making videos on TikTok every morning to see whether when he stands the pug up in his bed the dog remains standing (a bones day) or flops back down (no bones day). It’s turned into a Groundhog Day kind of thing. Like everyone will have a good, productive day if the pug stands. I’m not on TikTok, but I saw the video the other day on Twitter, so now I know what everyone is referring to. I can’t help but love this a bit, as it seems most of us do right now.
When I’m waiting to say something to the teacher I’m observing (I try not to just rush out without a nice word if I can), I stare at the things on the bulletin board in this room. I teach in here as well, but I’ve never just stood at this corner. There are some hand-drawn pages from what seems like storyboarding for a videogame. So, I bet there’s a computer science class in here, or was whenever these were put on the board. There’s the typical what to do in a shooter situation poster, too. Someone has written commentary on it. Where it says “Defend”—an odd thing to say in my opinion—someone has written that they can’t because their rights to carry a gun have been taken away. It’s such a little snippet, I think, of classroom life that these things exist right now—both the poster and the commentary written on it.
This earlier schedule has me thinking it’s closer to 2, but it’s 1, so I catch up on a few things, including a few personal emails and a few work emails. And returning that phone call.
At 2:15, I meet with a few graduate students who have questions as they are starting to teach for the first time; a big focus on my position here is their training. We pull in their mentor and get them settled. But I can tell one of them wants to talk more, so we talk about her unit plan after I finish with the others. She lights up when she really gets to talk one-on-one about her teaching ideas, so that left us both feeling better, I think. I want to solve all the other challenges they are encountering in grad school and teaching, but I can’t. Those challenges today are many more than I feel like I can mention here for confidentiality’s sake. It’s been a big week for that, as this time of year often is. But just talking about these teaching ideas is so important and wonderful. I wish I had more time for this piece of the work.
My wife is ready to go home around 4 pm. In a fortuitous bit of luck, a package arrived that has a box that is a perfect size for what I need to mail out. So, I get that ready and run it to the post office before they close.
Then the Friday phone call with my parents. They’ve been doing well lately. They actually played a game today with some friends. That feels pretty unprecedented. They are hoping to go on a little trip but are worried about rain. I encouraged them to go, but put back up plans in place for places to stop so Dad doesn’t have to drive in the rain with his less than great eyesight. Them driving is definitely a much bigger concern than it used to be.
It’s 5:30 and I’m super hungry for dinner already, even though I got candy from a vending machine this afternoon. Lunch was a long time ago and fairly quick and small. It’s be a very busy day after the initial slow start. After taking care of a few things around the house, I heat up my leftovers from Dumping House and make my wife some toast (her stomach is upset). We eat at the kitchen counter and talk about her day. (I already vented on the drive home.)
Our plans for that night are to watch Dune. I love that you can get movies at home now as they come out in the theater. Our system is good enough that I’m not sure why I wouldn’t rather watch it at home. I don’t know if I’d go as far as to say I’m a Dune “fan,” but it was one of the first sci fi books I got into. I watched the old movie and was so intrigued by the world I read the book. I loved the first few books and then gave up on them. I do like the political and philosophical nature and the world-building. Of course now I’ve encountered much better sci fi—there’s definitely some problems with Dune, including a weird white male savior thing going on. But I don’t think the book is entirely uncritical of that, either. It’s been a while since I read it. Anyway, the visuals of the movie are absolutely stunning, and paired with Hans Zimmer’s soundtrack, it’s really great. It is slow, and my wife who isn’t familiar with Dune doesn’t like it super well. It’s just not a story with a lot of story, you know. It’s really more of a mythos. Like I could see it as a world for an RPG better almost. S. the cat curled up with us during a lot of the movie, too—see so much better at home!
After that, we head to bed to read about 10:00 and I fall asleep reading while my wife is still wide awake.