EDLM
15 July 2024
HOME LIFE
I have lived at my house for 25 years. Of all the houses I’ve lived in this is the most comforting, enriching, safest. Surrounding the house is 18 acres of wooded area. Natural beauty abounds. The four leggeds: deer, raccoon, squirrels, chipmunks, occasional coyote, make this place their home. Some of the four leggeds are not as welcomed as others, but they are part of the landscape. A sort of wilderness and wildness makes its presence. The winged ones bring song and activity among the tops of the trees. Humming birds, gold finch, cardinals and robins bring color and variety in their comings and goings. The plant people offer beauty, shade, color and variety. They display their vibrant colors in the fall and they create a landscape of desolation and nakedness in the winter. When snow falls, the branches offer a stark contrast of black/gray and white. Picturesque scenes arrive when least expected.
The favorite parts of where I live is the unmistakable connection to a world often lost in a town or city. That world embraces the inherent energy, peace, quiet and natural beauty that so permeates all aspects of nature. That world offers a sense of safety and protection.
The least favorite parts of where I live is the work required to maintain the natural growth that wants to take over the yard and house. Mulching leaves, cutting grass, pulling weeds, raking walnuts, cutting back vines and fighting poison ivy are endless activities. Despite these, the awe of the place overtakes.
I used to share this rich space with my husband. Together we planned, planted, dreamed into being this place of warmth, security, acceptance, love and creation. This place was a safe haven for us and for others needing to find such a space. We welcomed others in, shared experiences of good times and hard, laughter, encouraged each other, and supported others along their journeys. Frank, honest and vulnerable conversations took place and each time there was plenty of acceptance and understanding.
Since my husband’s death these rich moments have been replaced by loneliness, despair, deep introspection, un-invited growth and insight. Now one person resides within the four walls of the house. The outdoors still creates beauty, variety and sometimes solace, but within the four walls there is emptiness. Existence continues. Life and happiness are more illusive.
Home was always wherever my husband was. We could have lived in a chicken coop and as long as he and I were together, there was home. Home now has become an empty space where there abides memories but little hope.
I think of home as a mind-set where two or more people live-out love, trust, full acceptance, support, caring and a sense of safety and mutual protection. That is home at its best. That is true security and living. Having a loving person traveling through life with another eases the heart.
I understand that this may sound like a panacea to some. Not everyone experiences a strong bond with their partner. Not everyone can trust their partner. But magic can happen. I’ve, also, experienced it in others. Of course, personal internal work, when both are willing to travel the path of the unknown, helps. There are never guarantees in a relationship, but a commitment of one day-at-a-time can lead to a loving, close and trusted bond.
For me, home is where the heart is at peace.
RELIGIOUS AND SPIRITUAL PRACTICE
I was raised in a very conservative church believing that all mankind was born into sin. We were all sinners and bound for Hell. Do you know what that does to the self-esteem of people? Do you know how that sets up our concept of a vengeful, harsh, punitive God? (And the Church so happens to have the cure for that?) And we’re all made in the image of God? Does that mean that God him/herself is bound for Hell? (Give me a break!) And even after being “saved” we still had a depraved mind and had to watch our “p’s” and “q’s” or else we would fall “out of grace” and be punished or sent to Hell. What a system!
And I so believed all that and I attended a seminary, became a pastor (never could believe in this vengeful concept nor that people are all bound for Hell) and supported the church until I was kicked out for believing in a gracious, understanding, accepting and loving God. Organized religion is not my “cup of tea”.
What I do believe in is a great spirit of some sort. Is it an energy? A force? An unseen and unknowable power? No one knows even though we’re told that “they” do.
I believe that there’s something about a spirit that resides in all of life. A certain energy exists. There’s something about a soul, an entity of spirit that either lives wildly within or that has been squelched, broken or deadened by forces outside of ourselves. The will to live is strong in most people and that will comes from somewhere: the will to overcome, triumph over difficulties, take on challenges, go beyond obstacles even in facing death, to live on in some form as in a life here-after. So I do believe in a spirit residing in each of us. My spiritual beliefs lead me to see all people as good from birth. We all become damaged to some extent and to some degree as we walk through life just because life is life. So I believe in the potential of everyone. I view all people with value despite choices they may have made in the past. I also believe we all need support and help from others from time to time. We are, I believe, all the same when we look through the eyes of humanity. We want and need the same things when it comes to being loved, respected, accepted, encouraged and understood. This is why I pursued a career in counseling/pastoring. All this filters my perspective when meeting and working with people.
Am I Christian? Not as defined so generally in the United States. Am I agnostic? A little. Am I an atheist” A little. Am I secular? Yes. Am I spiritual? Yes, and I have a rich inner world that informs my living. And my living informs my inner world.
My practices involve paying attention to my inner life, life going on around me, attention to writers of poetry/ music/ theater/ musings of the thoughts of others/ history, and the writings of all religions and wise religious leaders. I’ve learned that wisdom resides in all religious beliefs and in all people. Wisdom is found in those darkest of times when we’re forced to look into the darkness to find those shards of light and wisdom that illuminates the secrets that can only be found in the darkness. If we could only move our society to dare to talk about those things beyond the obvious, beyond the circumstantial, beyond the surface, then we could all benefit from the roads we separately travel in order to find the shared oneness of us all.
I am happy with my current questions and wonderings. I’m comfortable with not knowing more than I know. Freedom is found here. Mystery is an adventure. Admitting to not knowing frees us to question together. It frees us to learn from each other. It binds us together. It makes life much more interesting and lowers the protective walls we build around ourselves. I wouldn’t change my not-knowing with all the supposed knowing some people purport to have.
The challenges in my life are questions as to what is the purpose of life? Why do we as a society put so much pressure and value on the knowing and not on the questioning? Why do we destroy other people who are really like us? Why do we need to live higher, more plush lives, have more expensive “everythings” to prove we are of importance? Why do we allow people to starve, live out of boxes and tents or under bridges? Why do we believe that some people are less valuable than us? Why are we so afraid of each other? Why is it that men have to be “tough” and women have to be “weaker”? What is it in the male psychic that we have to be stronger than anyone else? What is it we as men are afraid of when it comes to revealing our inner selves and becoming vulnerable? Why do we continue to teach our male children that they have to compete with everyone else, especially other male children, to be better than them? Why do we continue to send our children into war to be killed when the older men are making these policies and getting rich off of their killing? Questions? Oh, yeah, I have questions!