several times now the date of the diary day falls on a lacklustre day for me. a day that falls between or among several other eventful days. days rich in experiences that i could have chronicled. many times, though, i have had very little to report but mundane activities and thoughts. but maybe that represents a significant part of the point of this project, huh?
my thoughts and feelings today live under the shadow of a death in the family only a couple of days past. in other words, i still mourn. i could not work on the day in question but felt acceptance enough the next day to come into work. the grief pulses in and out but has lost its intensity because it started a couple of months ago when we received a diagnosis. we knew this was coming. nevertheless, the reality sets in and the loss feels sharp and capricious. every perception and decision and action swims through the memories and stark lack of the deceased’s presence. death draws a line with a rigid finality unlike anything else that forces us to acknowledge the infinite nothing contained within something that does not continue.
so, i began my day waking several times in the night and several times forcing myself to lay there and get more sleep. i had bizarre dreams in vivid color. i slept until just after five AM and felt only vaguely rested. my morning routine changed slightly but importantly due to the recent event mentioned above and i felt the loss keenly. getting ready for work had a new cast to it; my acquired habits needed extinguishing but not just yet. i let the one dog out, the other did not want to go (he does not like the cold), and our cat watched calmly from her perch.
i grabbed a bite, watched a bit of tv, worked on my puzzles, got dressed, and drove to work. the air temperature hovered in the lower teens (F°) and ice still covered many things but not the roads. i could even ride my bike easily.
the work day started off with a bang and a mistake and ended in a lazy whimper. lunchtime at home with the dogs went quickly. the shadow hung quietly but peacefully in the house.
when i got home after work, i found my partner already there. they had already come home earlier in the afternoon due to scheduling quirks on the weekend. the dogs greeted me exuberantly. for dinner, i suggested pizza – a specific kind of local pizza- and my partner agreed. “i really was thinking about just that kind of pizza!” we chatted a bit about the day then went to pick up the pizza. we do a lot of carryout any more. we never went out to eat a lot anyway, but the pandemic really transformed us into homebodies.
we talked and ranted while we ate, about work, the absolute nonsense happening in the capitol and around the country, our departed family member, the desire (only half a joke) of changing today’s holiday to a second Halloween (it has candy, too, but costumes as well!) OR a celebration of the death of James Cook who wreaked terror among the pacific islands, most notably Hawaii where he died of stab wounds on 14 february 1779 from a knife he had previously traded to the natives. he had tried to kidnap their king. we should take more time disbanding these colonial mythic heroes (eg Columbus) which makes some sense within the context of the recent suppression of Black History month by certain individuals in DC. morbid and embittered as this might seem, gallows humor with a gleam of truth or honesty, at least, can act as an effective pressure valve for fears and other stresses.
i honestly cannot recall too much after dinner: we watched some tv shows and a movie, i think, let the dogs out, and just zoned out.
oh, i recall: we tried to watch the Man from U.N.C.L.E. but found it meandering and just not holding us – and i used to like the tv show and generally enjoy Guy Ritchie movies. ah, well. we switched to something completely different: a new animated movie called Flow. impressive because it was made entirely using Blender (an open-source animation software) but we found the story to be a bit clunky in parts. we also wished for more world-building but what we witnessed, we thoroughly enjoyed. that took us to bedtime and a decent night’s sleep.