After dropping my partner off at work early, I decided to park further away than usual. I was excited while looking for a spot because I thought this walk would be a nice treat. I’ll start the day with fifteen minutes of activity, listen to my podcast, and enjoy the warm weather. It felt like a nice moment to myself before a long day.
I’ve been listening to a podcast about pregnancy and birth. The host invites women to share their birth stories and discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ve obsessed over learning all that I can about pregnancy, birth, and postpartum for several months now. It feels like a particular strain of baby fever that won’t go away.
I don’t have any children, nor have I been pregnant, but my partner and I began preparing ourselves for it about eight weeks ago. We’ve been taking preconception vitamins, making smoothies, and walking daily. Despite this, I feel a bit of dread wondering whether or not we’ll be able to conceive. This is the first cycle we’re going to try in earnest. We’re obviously not telling anyone, so it’s been difficult to keep it all in my head without annoying my partner with the constant preparation and subsequent anxiety.
In this particular story I listened to during my walk, the storyteller and her husband tried for six months before they finally conceived. It takes even longer for some. Throughout my listening, over the span of a few months, I’ve only heard a handful say they conceived on their first try. I thought about the ovulation strip I used to test myself this morning. It was negative, meaning ovulation is not happening in the next twelve to thirty-six hours. I knew it would be negative, I’m just being careful to test and track each day because my cycles are irregular.
I made it to my office with a few minutes to spare, so I settled in and opened my cycle tracking app to log the negative ovulation test. The app tells me that the best chance to conceive starts in six days. If that’s correct, the strip could indicate ovulation as early as Sunday. It gives me a window of dates, and says the most opportune time might be on June fourteenth. I’ve looked forward to those dates since my last cycle. It feels kind of awful to wait in between and wonder whether or not I’ll get it right when the time comes.
I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I didn’t know how specific the timing had to be. The only things I remember learning about reproductive health in my early education is that periods happen, no, the tampon cannot get stuck, and abstinence is the only form of safe sex.
I’ve been working for a while. Today has been great because I don’t have any meetings. I enjoy when I can work at my own pace and switch between tasks/projects. Now it’s time to meet my partner for lunch!
I got a salad, olives piled high for the iron, and an orange juice on the side. We took a little walk after and parted ways. It’s really warm out today.
It’s after work now, and my partner and I are heading to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for dinners over the weekend. We decided to do a big shop. Lately, we’ve been going to the store every other day for select ingredients or house things. We keep saying it feels like we always have to go to the store. We’re just constantly buying stuff, and that’s no fun at all. We might start meal planning so that we can start picking up everything at once. There’s really no reason not to, I suppose we’ve just been lazy. I hope we’ll save money and time doing it that way.
We got back later than usual, so I cooked some quick dinners. We almost always eat different meals. I’m happy to eat the same thing everyday, but my partner prefers variety. After eating, we played a board game and had a big talk.
We decided it might be best to pause and start trying to conceive during the next cycle. We realized there’s a combination of work and life stuff that might interfere if we actually conceive at this time. Mostly his work. The odds are low(ish) that we’d actually conceive, but we’ve prepared so much up to this point, it would feel reckless to throw caution to the wind now. If we can set our family up for the best, it would be stupid not to. I felt extremely disappointed, and then I felt selfish for feeling disappointed. I know it’s the most logical decision to make, I’ve just been looking forward to this for so long. Waiting any longer feels like agony.
I always end my night with something sweet. After I finish what I’m currently writing, I think I’ll have a piece of a cake I baked recently. When I finish that, I’ll get ready for bed. I wanted to get some reading done, tidy up the house, or paint, but I’ve decided against it. I feel really tired after eight o’clock. I’m not able to be as productive as I’d like. I always think if I go to bed early, I’ll have more energy to do all of that tomorrow.
I think this diary way was serendipitous as it ended up marking a big decision for me and my family. We’re going to wait one more cycle, but I hope I’ll have good, baby-related news to share for my next diary in the fall. Now, CAKE!