Friday, April 27, 2018
Day Diary 3
5:31 “Do you know it’s a truffle from that indent?” I wake up to my alarm with ringing in my ear. It was my mom in the dream. We were talking about chocolate. I grab my phone from the ground where I’d set it to be harder to get to in the morning. I hope to see a text from R. There isn’t one. I lay my head back down. My eyes hurt. Fell back asleep. Snoozed alarm goes off then my second alarm. I half fall back asleep. My Fitbit vibrates the text alarm. It’s R. I feel eased. Can’t swallow though. A cold? Fall back asleep until
6:23 Damn. I get up and wrap a blanket around myself and slip on my slippers. Downstairs, bathroom, my bun looks weird on the top of my head, think of my haircut later. Kitchen, start coffee. There’s a dead ant on the counter. I look for a mug, I’m running low. Remember that I needed to do laundry and am also low on underwear. Put a few dishes away and check my plant. Noticed last night how large his new leaves are. But the bottom ones keep dying. Roommate RM is gone. Start dishwasher to solve the mug problem. Few plates in there. I wonder why. Have we been eating? I don’t think I’ve eaten dinner at home in a few days. I’ve been on the run and snacking on chips and salsa. I pour heavy whipping cream into my coffee and watch it bloom to the top. I go back upstairs feeling much better than when I went down. Everything at the top of the stairs is a shade of moody blue.
6:39 Spotify— your favorite coffeehouse. I settle into a nest of blankets and pillows on the floor and start analyzing a primary source doc for a final essay in my class. I text D for his notes, offer an exchange. Delete emails— hey P. Work.
7:07 Remember to check location of roommate RM. It doesn’t load. Odd. My stomach feels uncomfortable. I keep going in circles on this document. Sip coffee. Twitter. Bill Cosby. See the name of the royal baby on Twitter. Louis, hm. I’m barely interested but am reminded of a conversation with my family recently. We tried to guess the name of the baby. C did the Bob and Tom imitation of someone royal and we were all cackling. Run downstairs. The tile is cold. Put in my contacts. They burned yesterday but feel good today. Facebook. Friend request? I don’t know him. Rinse face. Run upstairs— face lotion. I realize I forgot my night cream. There are two spots you can see I was anxiously picking at my skin yesterday. I’m annoyed at myself. Leave well enough alone. My coffee is cold already but I don’t go warm it up. A good song starts “Love You True” working away. Frustrated I can’t find the right contextualizing info. Email prof for help. Hope they’re nice and helpful. Been worrying she’s not a fan of me and wondering if I asked for too much help. I hate emailing for help. I realize I need to get ready, but I set out my stuff the night before so it won’t take much time. I throw on clothes, my jeans are too tight but I wear them anyway. SHC shirt and sandals. Steal A’s nail polish to fix my toes up. Pack my makeup bag because I don’t feel like doing it. Jewelry. Headband… it has a stain. My bun still looks ridiculous. Pack my school bag. Grab protein bar. Out the door.
8:50 Drive to doc to pick up coupon for my new script. I hope it works because the copay was ludicrous even with insurance. I feel a little better. It looks like it will work. Drive to Starbucks. Order drink R got me attached to. Turn right and realize I wasn’t picturing where Jackson St was correctly. I enjoy driving aimlessly through the neighborhood until I look at my gas gauge. I don’t have the funds to waste gas so I hasten back to my route. I see some beautiful houses and landscaping. And a tree being torn down. It looked healthy. I’m sad for it.
9:15 Arrive ridiculously early for my hair appointment. I’m never early to anything. My drink is good. I sit and type some journal and realize they can probably see me sitting out here… I start doing my makeup anyway. My skin looks so funky in natural light. I’m concerned. I’m never putting makeup on without exfoliating again (this is a lie). I go inside. C. is lounging. She definitely saw me. I set my stuff down and hop in the seat, causing a ruckus. I rip my scrunchie out of my hair and deliver my state of the Hair address because it’s always an ordeal, and I’m months overdue for a cut. She rinses it. My seat isn’t high enough and my neck hurts. She starts razoring it and we talk about Cs college decision, R, DC, and life passing too quickly and the weather not changing fast enough. Time is a major factor in my life lately. It feels heavy. She finished and starts to take off the bib. I ask her to recondition it so it will curl. She puts the bib back on rinses it and my neck hurts again and I tell her I’ll use the gel I brought and blow dry it myself. She says she has a few clients who do their own hair like that. We joke about me paying her to do my own hair. She comments on my high waisted jeans and the style that’s in right now. I get self-conscious because they’re still so tight. She says they look good. My hands are sticky. I almost forget my drink. I put the cut on my mom’s tab. It’s a birthday gift. I get in the car and find my sunglasses are warped. I fit them on my nose anyway, and I head home. Windows down listening to music, hand out the window with my grey scrunchy adorning it and blowing in the wind. It’s a beautiful day. A carpet cleaner van is on my left going the same speed. I pull up to a light next to my friend C. We talk through our open windows. I tell them about my haircut. When we go I realize I need to slow way down to be behind them or to speed ahead. I get anxious and turn into worthen instead and then go back home so she doesn’t think I’m weird. I laugh to myself about admitting this in my diary. I go inside.
10:08 I’m late for work but G is covering for me. I decide to finish my makeup. My hair isn’t curling at the crown but I like the cut. It never looks right immediately after leaving the hairdresser, so time will tell. I dance too hard while fluffing my hair and my earring flies out of my ear and bounces off the wall. I put it in carefully.
10:20 I head out, running into A in the driveway. We chat about plans later. I’m in such a good mood. She offers to drive me but I say I want to walk to enjoy the weather. I listen to “Pynk” on my way to work and bop. I think about Janelle Monae’s recent article and coming out as pansexual. Clock in, walk into work and P immediately complains about it being a long day. G isn’t there. I ignore it because I’m not in the mood to be negative. It’s always a long day. Either because of too much work or not enough to keep us busy. She never laughs about the little things going wrong. It’s all I can do not to scream THIS IS PETTY AND DOESNT MATTER. I settle in. I see a memory on my Facebook of Grandpa J. It’s been six years, today, since he died. I’m a little girl sitting in his lap and laughing. I found the picture framed on the wall the last time I was ever in his house. I took a photo of it on my flip phone and saved it. It’s an awful picture of a picture but the joy is there. I settle in and do little things—email, Facebook, more email. I lose track of how time is passing. It occurs to me to check if my article was posted on the Ball State Magazine yet. It is! I’m jarred to see my face. It’s a good picture though! I think my quotes make me sound unintelligent. I’m annoyed at myself and try to remind myself to speak more professionally in those moments and maybe more often. It’s just not my vibe, usually.
11:00 I send the link to my mom and to assorted people on campus who might want to see it or promote it for their college/ department. I message about the event later today. We have tons of things being delivered to the house and no one to meet them, so they’re being left outside. I ask for people to keep an eye on it. Twitter. I see that the friend I ran into this morning was talking about their pronouns and go back and edit them in my diary to be correct. My mom sends me pictures of my brother, C from the event today in Indy. I text C to enjoy his day! I want him to enjoy the celebration. He’s been down about the lack of scholarship money he’s gotten. Or rather the lack of money he can use all at one place. He’s brilliant and should be able to go anywhere he wants with his grades and scores and extra curriculars and character. It’s a frustrating time because everyone assumes he can go anywhere he wants for free, and honestly he should be able to with his talent and academic successes, but that’s not the way it goes. I’m mad for him and wish I could save him from that disappointment. He needs to make a decision soon. I don’t want to be him.
11:39 R texts me about a song. I listen and almost cry at work and remember hearing it while driving through the mountains. He talks about his grandmother and I’m reminded of my grandpa. I’m glad that I’m feeling like I’m in an okay mood today or the heaviness of grief would weigh me down. Time is scaring me lately. I tell him about how hard 2012 was for me when so many male role models of mine died. I worry it’s not what he needs to hear. I try to help him too. I worry I don’t say the right things. I ponder why we willingly and knowingly enter relationships and how much emotional work it is to care so deeply. I wouldn’t want to not care. But it feels heavy. I told R I wished I was a cat yesterday and could just lounge and feel moderately. He said he likes to feel. I realized that I do too. He’s better at loving than I am. I message sister A about a creative nonfiction essay she wrote about death a few years ago. I ask her if I can read it. I feel like I need it today and I think of it often. I want to remember her actual words. She says them well for both of us. I start listening to a playlist my aunt made of songs that remind her of my grandpa. The songs are all about motion. Trains and cars and rolling. They’re a lot of oldies. I want to find some train tracks and sit and miss him. “The train don’t stop going. It don’t slow down.” I think about EDLM and how much I love that the VBC talked so much about train whistles. When I first watched the doc and heard the whistle and murmuring voices and train—he was all I could think about and my eyes welled with tears. I decide to pull it up and watch it for him today. I fall into old facebook pictures and decide it’s time to surface. D agrees to buy me a sandwich at 1:30. I’m getting hungry. I realize I’ve only eaten a spoon of peanut butter and coffee today. No wonder I’m hyper and not concentrating.
12:30 the professor emails me back offering to find some page numbers later when she’s in her office and offers a meeting. I can’t because I’m now committed to things for event later. North and South Korea pops up in the news. I text A about turning in her thesis and coming to the event tonight. I keep feeling my hair. My boss is at work so I don’t want to leave the office but I really need to use the restroom. I start on my essays again.
1:00 out the door P tells C “its been a longggg day” I go across the hall to the bathroom, finally. Walking across campus people living and moving out. Listening to music and tears in my eyes at leaving this place. I see A and her sister ahead of me. I quicken my pace and notice the edges where the new health professions building reaches the sky. I won’t be around when it’s done. I walk in and A&A are at the front desk. I greet them while A fills out the paperwork to turn in her honors thesis. I take a video on my phone and a video on hers while she rings the bell. I yell WOOO and it rings back to me over and over and over again in the video. We chat in the hall. D tells me J has arrived. I say bye to A&A. We find the cart in the kitchen and meet her at her car, loading up the cart, and rolling it back inside. The desk workers I don’t know as well are working. They’re not as friendly as some of the others. They’re younger; I don’t know them well. J parks. We go get sandwiches. I also get chips and a drink and dessert. D pays with dining plus. I thank her five times because I don’t have enough groceries right now and couldn’t bring enough food for lunch. We eat in the house and talk to a girl visiting the Honors College. Her mom chats with us. We talk with some members too. The mom tells us a lot of people were wearing their club shirts in the dorm. I almost cry. We decide to go out and start setting up and to meet the university sound people.
2:30 The sound system is very impressive, and I thank the guys about 18 times for helping us. We promise not to leave the system alone until they come back in six hours. We start setting up the stage and the next hour is a blur of aching muscles. We can barely lift the pieces of stage between the three of us. We move eight of them. D scratches her shin. My arms shake, but I’m the strongest of the three of us and the fastest. I stand on the stage pieces in place and move them into position from there when they need placed. 1, 2, 3, drop. 1, 2, 3, drop. 1, 2, 3, drop. We move some tables and carts of chairs. E finally arrives to help us finish the stage. I finally shout that we need to take a break and drink water. It’s warm and we’ve been exerting ourselves for awhile. Z is there. I can tell he’s upset and try to mitigate the situation before he gets more stressed by the questions flying his way. I take him out back alone and talk him through what we’ve done already. He appreciates getting out of the house. J comes up and asks him three questions and then if he’s okay. He snaps at her when he shouldn’t. But she also didn’t read the situation well. She walks away and I tell Z it’s okay, and we’ll work it out.
3:50 I didn’t realize how late it was. It’s almost time for members to arrive. We rush around and give instructions. I’m quick in these types of scenarios—seeing jobs needing done, handing them out. I move in a flurry. Others don’t, but I know that and try not to get frustrated. J doesn’t move fast and doesn’t triage well. I get frustrated with her for not moving fast enough, not seeing what needs done. I solve one problem, and she babies the person involved. I finally snap at her that I already solved that problem. She tries to say she was just making sure it’s what N “really wants.” I say N is okay. We just talked about it. She huffs. I take N away to complete the task she and I were in the middle of and tell J to go do the eight things she needs to organize with members. Suddenly everything is mostly done. It’s
5:00 And people start arriving. Not a lot but enough to kick it off. My friend who’s been gone all semester AL comes in. I’m so happy to see her. She calms me down by distracting me and we eat some snacks and do some games. V comes in too and we spend some time with her talking about the event, graduation, and Avengers. They both saw it last night. A said her boyfriend doesn’t think it’s worth it unless they’re in the center seat in front of the biggest screen within an hour radius. They loved it. I periodically put out fires and talk with members. I feel my body getting exhausted. Time passes. I do the inflatable obstacle course and ring toss and talk to representatives from another org who donated money. We play ladder golf. I get my face painted with a caterpillar I named Camille. I make an announcement and a not clean song comes on. I get nervous. I dance away. The acapella group Unexpected Resolution sings after I introduce them. I make fun of C for holding a Styrofoam Chick-fil-A cup on stage and taking regular sips. I ask him later if it had alcohol in it. He says he wishes. I think about how long ago we met and how we didn’t really talk for years. Here we are. The festivities continue. An acapella group doesn’t show. I don’t care. I go inside to the bathroom and realize I needed time for myself. I sit with AL and N who brought me starbucks while I charge my phone. I needed the silence. I smudge Camille and get blue paint all over my face. We play with bubbles for awhile. It feels good to do these childish things while so much time passes and so much moves on in our lives. It feels good to laugh. and laugh and laugh. And to run and be sore and to talk with these friends as a group for probably the last time. It’s been four years of us. We used to all be exec and spent so much time together. Not as much this year. Things changed and we had less together time. We were loose friends. We rejoin the group and I chat with members and throw myself through the inflatable obstacle course again. I almost break a toe, but better than when I landed on my neck earlier. My body doesn’t want to move from the bottom. Maybe I’ll lay there for the next few hours. But
7:58 We realize no one but members are left so we start to clean up. The sound people come. I roll up all of the flagging tape around my wrist. I tell everyone it’s my proudest achievement as president. It’s not but it was oddly satisfying. N and AL pull up all the stakes as we go. We race. I laugh a lot. N leaves and so does AL. I finish directing cleanup. People are requiring a lot of direction. It saps my energy. I ask people to clean dishes and empty buckets and carry tables and move the sno-cone machine and pick up bubbles and take extra food over to the other event and check for trash and pick up and move benches and put the chairs away and put things in the basement and and and and and. They require being told. It’s okay, but it drains me. We had 118 people. Not as many as hoped but enough to feel successful.
8:50 the event is cleaned up. I try to get the officers to celebrate for a moment, but they’re drained. We walk to ROD’s event. Z and D and N go with me. We partnered for our and they gave us money so we agreed to make an appearance at their event. It looks like it’s going well. I eat 4 wings and talk to a bunch of members. They try to get karaoke going. It doesn’t, maybe later. I sit for a minute and realize I might never stand up again. J arrives and asks if I want a ride home. We leave. She talks a lot. I listen. I’m exhausted and not sure I’m feeling what she’s saying so I grunt neutrally. She drops me off. Asks to get coffee with me. I try to say no but feel badly. It’s still a no but I don’t tell her so very well. I need a break but that’s not kind to say. I go in and immediately lay on the floor. I’m hoping to hear from roommate RM. A comes out to sit with me. We talk about the event and graduation and R. J (A’s male-interest) wakes up and joins us. We talk more. He asks if I’ve tried the beer he’s drinking. They debate going for ice cream and decide on Arby’s. I say I’d eat some fries, but I’m not sure I’m hungry. My body feels very odd. I feel off-kilter. shaky, and I’m covered with dirt. My sandal lines show how dark I am with grime. I shower with the main light off to be in the dark. I sit on the floor and condition my hair. I had told my friend Ja. earlier in the day that I’m between conditioners. It’s true. I don’t like this one. I got it on cheap clearance. My body is bone tired. I take some of As nice body scrub. I wash my feet over and over again. I find a blister. I moisturize and put on comfy clothes and then eat some fries and a cookie sent by an old friend to A and us for finals.
10:34 Sitting at the table with A and her male interest J. He’s braiding her hair. We wonder where RM is. She hasn’t been on social media for a few hours. I think about checking her room. J and I braid A’s hair. It looks golden. Like a princess. I check roommate RM’s room. She’s there and asleep. I report back. I’m growing anxious about how little I have done. I have 5 papers to do for Tuesday. 5 papers. 5 papers. I should ask for an extension but I hate to ask. I don’t want to need the extra time and I don’t want to push it back. But I’m very nervous that I can’t do it. It’s so hard to find the willpower when so much is sapping my energy and so much is ending. It’s hard to sit with the page. I want to write about things ending. About how life feels right now. but I have to write about witchcraft and about Africa. The one I’m looking forward to is the longest. It’s a mental block I don’t know what to do with. I’m frustrated with myself. R texts me he’ll be ready at
11:00 Grab my wallet and say good night to A and J. Pick up R. Drop off items at the library. Go back to my house. R gets a call right away and talks through some stuff with someone. Bad timing, he says because I’m tired. I tell him that no, it’s okay. I’m tired and want to sleep but mostly I wanted to sit with him. I lay down and work on my diary. I text Z to check I with him. he thanks me for taking time with him earlier and for him that evening. I’m proud of the way I helped him. He says, “I feel very proud to be able to call you my friend, because you have shown me a lot about being a great person and leader.” I tear up. I tell him the same and goodnight. R finishes talking. I close the blinds and plug in my phone. It feels good to be still. We talk for awhile and are peaceful. He’s had a day, I think, thinking about the past and how it impacts his future and him. But he doesn’t say much. I do what I can without words to comfort him. I’m also out of words after this day. I think it’s enough. I get ready for bed and make space for both of us among my pillows and blankets. We fall asleep.