Important Identities
Summer 2025 – EDLM
Rural community populations around Muncie are by and large more conservative in their thinking and beliefs than those who live in the city of Muncie proper. There are those in rural communities who can recognize the ‘grays’ in life and who can see past spoken words and long-held accepted, societal norms and can take into account past behaviors, inconsistencies and understandings prompted by research and honest inquiry. However, thinking in ‘black and white’ terms, right and wrong/good and evil conclusions seem more prominent in rural areas.
That’s where I live.
My identity used to be as a white, male, heterosexual, middle class, christian, educated clergy. Underneath that identity swirled a tormented, unnamed, fearful force. I was aware of its presence at times. Most of the time, however, I quieted the voice, ignored it, willed it into silence.
Until . . . I could no longer do so. Whatever it was grew larger, stronger, more fierce and demanded attention. The darkening clouds began roaring with thunder. It threatened to destroy. It’s un-welcomed presence could no longer be pushed into a silent box. That’s when I felt coerced to ask intuitive questions and to find out what was roaring inside. There was a point where I literally felt frozen and unable to move because of the stress I was feeling.
I nudged the door ajar initially. I placed myself in situations where I thought I might learn more from others whom I suspected I may have something in common. Gradually I opened the door further. There is fear associated with the unknown, with using words considered unspeakable, unacceptable to the very people I had surrounding me. The more I opened the door, what was on the other side became more complicated and frightening, not only to me, but to those I loved and to friends who I considered to be friends.
My identity gradually changed and how I understood and viewed my world changed. How I managed getting through the world changed. Family members were frightened and threatened. Friends and some family were driven away. Some were angered. Some felt betrayed. Some turned their backs.
I came out as a gay man and I knew nothing about how to wear that identity. I was 50 years old. What was I to do? Where was I to go? There were few people I could talk to about this. Few people had the courage to offer support. This was a time when gay men were being murdered. They were being entrapped by police and if that happened the names of entrapped men would be published in the local paper. There was societal non-acceptance. One could be dishonorably discharged from the armed forces. One could be fired from their job and evicted from their apartments. People were ostracized, talked about, rejected.
I had met a man who was traveling a very similar journey as I. We could understand each other. We could offer encouragement, a listening ear, support. There was a certain peace we found in each other that lasted 24 years. A strong marriage became a part of that.
For 29 years now I have grown into a man whose identity fits like a glove. Along with this identity I now know more about prejudice, hatred, rejection, judgment, love, fierce determination, inner acceptance and a depth of being that was not cultivated prior to my coming to terms with myself.
In these political times where this country’s democracy is threatened and having a president focused on his own interests despite that of the general public, I have become stronger in my political beliefs.
Identity as an American citizen has emerged stronger than before. I understand my role as a citizen needing to stand up against this current political fascist wave. I attend protests, listen to reliable news media and encourage others to search out truthful information against a barrage of lies and mis-information deliberately espoused by powerful people interested in their own wealth over and against the welfare of the general public.
Another part of my current identity change is that of being a single man. I’ve been in partnered relationships for 54 years and for the past five years I’ve been trying to live into an identity of singleness. Grief has taught me so many things. Things I would not have learned in any other way than through heart wrenching grief that took me to my knees several times and that still takes me aback. This process takes a long time, a lot of mental and emotional work and a lot of determination. I sometimes wonder if it’s all worth it.
The established identities and the emerging identities cause me to soul-search why I’m still alive, what my purpose may be and what direction my life might take. Sometimes I’m depressed, sometimes I’m hopeless, sometimes I’m encouraged, sometimes I’m surprised. I ask myself a lot of questions and it seems I’m always searching for answers or trying to make sense of all this. Sometimes I just get tired.
I think the Muncie area is a good place for me to do the searching I’m caught up in. I have found a few people I can vent my questions. There are programs, museums, civic theater and some Ball State University events that add to the quality of life and encourage different ways of thinking. The presence of the University brings in students and professors from different backgrounds and experiences. They bring into the community an enormous array of ideas that get disseminated hundreds of ways and permeate the community as a whole. There is a broader tolerance of difference here than if the University was not here.
The Every Day Life in Muncie writing initiative has given me a chance and a push to think deeper and to express those thoughts and feelings to a greater public than I would not other-wise be encouraged to do. I have to think about what I’m saying and to say it so that it might be understood by someone outside of my sphere of experience. I’m always challenged by the exercise. So, I get more clarity and there is a satisfaction that I’ve expressed my deeper self to a public that would not ordinarily ever know me. That carries its fears, but it is also gratifying. I am alive and I hope that in some way my life and my journey makes a difference for someone out there.